If Ancient Olympic Gods Lived In America Today
(OPINION) Many aspects of modern life that appear to be new would fit nicely into the Olympian gods’ classical functions. If Christianity had never caught on in the West, these ancient Greek gods may have become symbols and pillars of modern movements like feminism, environmentalism and labor unions. Others would function as the same: the god of war or the goddess of family life.
Read the selection of gods and their functions adapted for modern life and see if you agree:
Zeus
Traditional function: King of Gods, God of Sky and Weather.
Modern function: God of Meteorology, Electricity, Aerospace Technology and Space Travel. Patron of Weathermen, Electricians, Power Plants and Astronauts. He might seem to be overshadowed, but remember: electricity. The others will depend on him more than ever!
Cult centers: Cape Canaveral, Houston, Washington, D. C.
Party affiliation: unsure, possibly neutral.
Hera
Traditional function: Queen of Gods, Goddess of Marriage (and maybe childbirth).
Modern Function: Is she the Goddess of Family Values or Feminism? She would probably also be Goddess of Divorce and Child Custody. I imagine both sides of the abortion debate would flock to her. I don’t know how she’d get along with the #MeToo movement, given how she always seemed to blame the victim. She would be the patroness, as always, of wives and mothers, including Mothers Against Drunk Driving, perhaps, and Southern Belles, certainly.
Cult centers: Lots of possibilities. But I’d bet on the South: Atlanta, Savannah, Charleston. And Las Vegas.
Party Affiliation: Possibly Family Values Republican, but maybe a certain kind of feminist Democrat. She’s too domestic for most Democrats though. I’d say she would be a kind of conservative feminist Republican, a Phyllis Schlafly.
Poseidon
Traditional function: God of Horses, Earthquakes and the Sea.
Modern function: God of Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Motorcycles. Patron of Cowboys. Sailors and possibly Railroad Engineers.
Cult centers: major port cities and other transit hubs.
Party Affiliation: Unsure. Both blue-collar labor and military associations.
Demeter
Traditional Function: Goddess of Agriculture and Vegetation.
Modern Function: Essentially the same, but might be a specific patron of organic farming and lay a curse on Monsanto. Actually, Persephone might be identified with Monsanto. Patroness of farmers and environmentalists?
Cult centers: Portland, Cincinnati, and the agricultural South.
Party Affiliation: ambiguous. Environmentalists and farmers would both be her protégés. But probably lean Democrat. Besides, her very name may be related to “democrat”!
Hades
Traditional Function: God of the Dead and of Wealth.
Modern Function: Association with the Underworld, which contains both the Land of the Dead and material wealth of vegetable and mineral varieties, could lead to associations with mining, industrial agriculture, and perhaps heavy industry and Big Business generally. He always was the Hank Rearden of Olympus.
Cult centers: He never really had them, but maybe Chicago and New York?
Party Affiliation: Republican.
Hestia
Traditional Function: Goddess of the Hearth, which means home and family.
Modern Function: Same. Goddess of Family Values and therefore Child Custody. Perhaps also Culinary Arts?
She never had much in the way of cult centers to begin with, except at Rome.
Party Affiliation: Republican.
Ares
Traditional function: God of War.
Modern function: some things just never change.
Cult centers: all military bases.
Party Affiliation: Republican.
Hephaestus
Traditional Function: God of Blacksmiths.
Modern Function: God of Manufacturing and Disability. Patron of Inventors, Factory Workers, Labor Unions, the “Working Class,” the Disabled, Handicapped Access and Firefighters. Also possibly God of Child Abuse Survivors and Orphans.
Cult Centers: Detroit, Pittsburgh and the whole Rust Belt. He’d be huge.
Party Affiliation: Blue Dog Democrat.
Athena
Traditional Function: Goddess of Military Strategy, the Polis, Art, Weaving and Craftsmanship.
Modern Functions: Goddess of International Diplomacy, Geopolitics, Technology and Politics. Patron of Diplomats, Politicians, Executives and Military Strategists.
Cult Centers: Washington, D.C., West Point, New York, Chicago.
Party Affiliation: Republican.
Artemis
Traditional Function: Goddess of the Wild, the Hunt, Mountains, Marshes and sometimes the Moon and Childbirth.
Modern Function: Goddess of the Environment, Outdoorism, Hunting, Abortion, Birth Control and Guns. Patroness of Ecologists, Hunters, Campers and Gynecologists. Also man-hating feminists. Patroness of the NRA, PETA, and Greenpeace, or at least they would be under her jurisdiction.
Cult Centers: San Francisco, Denver, New Orleans.
Party Affiliation: Leans Democrat, apart from the NRA association. Pro-Gun Democrat?
Apollo
Traditional Function: God of Disease, Light, Philosophy, Music and Athletics.
Modern Function: God of Health Care, Academia and Athletics. Patron of Doctors, Universities, Athletes and possibly the LGBTQ community. Also Guns.
Cult Centers: Boston, New York, San Francisco, every town with an Ivy League university, all New England and the Bay Area, plus Rochester, Minnesota.
Party Affiliation: Democrat. Solid Democrat. Progressive Democrat.
Hermes
Traditional Function: God of Messengers, Thieves, Merchants (Travelers), Pastures, Animal Husbandry, Rural Areas and Psychopomp.
Modern Function: God of the Internet and all Information Technology from the telegram to the smartphone, as well as all International Commerce and the Stock Market, not to mention Animal Husbandry. Patron of everyone who travels a lot for work from the international jet set crowd to truckers, everyone involved in finance or the stock market, plus ranchers and other rural people! Zeus might be dethroned! (Except it all runs on electricity.)
Cult Centers: San Francisco, New York City, Seattle, Chicago, Milwaukee, and Texas and the Great Plains. Expect a divergence between the Californian Hermes, the New Yorker Hermes, and the Texan Hermes.
Party Affiliation: Rockefeller Republican.
Dionysus
Traditional Function: God of Wine (and Vegetation generally), Madness and the Theatre.
Modern Function: God of Drugs and Alcohol, Psychiatry, Postmodernist and Deconstructivist Philosophy and the entire entertainment industry! Patron of Psychiatrists, Actors, Entertainers, the LGBT community and University students.
Cult centers: the entire city of Los Angeles would be converted to one gigantic temple complex for him, and there would be major temples in San Francisco, Napa Valley, Las Vegas, New Orleans and New York City as well.
Party Affiliation: Hollywood Democrat.
Aphrodite
Traditional Function: Goddess of Love, Lust and Beauty.
Modern Function: The above, plus the entire beauty industry: haute couture, skin care, perfume, hairdressing and the magazines. Patroness of Fashion Designers, Hairdressers, etc.
Cult Centers: Los Angeles, New York and Las Vegas.
Party Affiliation: New York Democrat.
Illustrations by Keanna Irving.
David Green Ahmanson is currently on leave from his MFA program in Film and Television Production at USC. He has Bachelor of Arts in English with Minors in Theatre and German from Hillsdale College, and has been fascinated by history, mythology, and narrative since early childhood. Follow him on Twitter @DavidAhmanson.